*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning