“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her