Mood.. 馃槀
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I wouldn鈥檛 usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
IT: I鈥檓 hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where鈥檚 my camouflage hat
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Red Skull鈥檚 name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we鈥檙e being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I don鈥檛 have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty