Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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Can’t stop laughing
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.