“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future