[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.