Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not seeing the problem

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.