Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.