*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.