“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Happy Star Wars day!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*