“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Dune (2021)
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.