Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.