*mops up wine with cat*
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
that’s really how it is
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.