Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Sing it!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.