More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”