Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!