More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!