More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.