“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Rather alarming headline…
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”