More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*pronounces UPS like yoops
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.