“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Don’t talk down to me
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.