[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted