[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.