<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.