[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.