Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy