Mornin
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.