[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
jesus, what did this guy do