“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why