Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
same vibe as tangled headphones
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.