[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Ovenable?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
peak technology
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.