Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.