morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.