morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.