Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Simple
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,