@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

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@sageboggs

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

@OutOfLeftField_

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

@UncleDuke1969

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

@OlanDevine

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

@adamgreattweet

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex