Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

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Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant


Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.


“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”


Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.


How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.


“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.


[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A


who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards


Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant


My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex