Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
A family that plays together cheats.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC