Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
There are usually two types of merchants.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH