@frogpissmouth

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

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@Samiam556

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

@rachelichtman

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

@Brewsker

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

@thecassiecao

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@Reverend_Scott

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

@OllyiConic

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”