moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse