moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”


Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”


If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.


Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.


[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*


Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….


Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds


Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?


“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother