@GrantTanaka

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

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@hipstermermaid

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@blade_funner

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

@jonnysun

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

@Jarhead44

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@kevinthedad

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

@nnnatchos

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…