[mosh pit]

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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond


I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.



What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!


[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.


I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.


My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”


There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math


Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99