[mosh pit]

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A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted


I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes


I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”


Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.


Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…