Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
HR said no more nunchucks.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
What the dentist sees
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches