Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
You Might Also Like
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Isn’t
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor