A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off