Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You Might Also Like
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.