Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.