Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
You Might Also Like
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me