Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”


When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs


Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.


interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla


My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her


My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???