Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!