Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*