most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.