Most fashion shows these days…
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
HERE’S MARKY
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”