Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will