Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom