Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.