Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers




WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers


Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.


Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.


FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists


GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]