Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Google Pay be like:
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The smoothest fall of all time
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.