@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

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@daemonic3

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

@amyoosed

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

@jwoodham

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@wolfpupy

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]