Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Mad Max Arctic Road
Merry Christmas
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”